Thanks for the Feedback by Douglas Stone

Author:Douglas Stone
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Penguin Group US
Published: 2014-03-03T16:00:00+00:00

4. CHANGE YOUR VANTAGE POINT

Anything that helps you see a dark situation from a different point of view is beneficial. Here are a few ways to step outside your default perspective.

Imagine You’re an Observer

Feedback packs an emotional punch because it’s about you. If the exact same feedback were directed at, say, your sister, you might be able to explain to her that it is not so terribly serious and offer her advice on how to cope. Not just because you’re trying to be helpful, but because from your perspective, she really is overreacting: “Mom said that to you? It means nothing. That’s how she is these days. Why do you even care? You’re an adult!”

Exactly. But if Mom had directed that comment at you, well, that would be different. You’d begin to wonder, Why would Mom say that? Is she upset with me? Maybe she’s disappointed with how my life has turned out. Does she still love me? Did she ever love me? When you share your fears with your sister, she’s incredulous: “What?! That one stupid comment is still bugging you? Why are you worrying about that? It meant nothing. That’s how she is these days, and anyway, you’re an adult!”

We can use this difference between being the object and the observer to our advantage. When we get feedback—when we are the object—we can imagine how we might react if instead we were the friend, the sibling, the observer. Try it as a thought experiment. You’ll be surprised by how dramatic the difference in perspective is—even when you know it’s just a thought experiment. Once you’ve shifted perspectives in this way, you can take your own advice. Why are you still thinking about that comment your mom made? That’s just how she is now.

Of course, you can also solicit actual advice from a friend. That disturbing e-mail from your colleague? Forward it to your friend and see if it sounds as damning to them as it does to you. Are you giving it too much weight? Too little? Some friends are better than others at offering this kind of support, but anyone who’s not you is a good start.

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